Where was I?
I know, I was looking for the Code of Ethics for Atheists because my sons have become them. And they dis-respected me. And when you’re Christians, you can say, “Christians don’t do that. But now that they are Atheists, I don’t know what to tell them because I don’t know what atheists do.
Fortunately, I was able to go straight to the top on this one. I went and saw grandma. She is 90, and she lives with my sister, and as we snapped beans and peeled potatoes and I aid, “Mom. The boys have disrespected the hell out of me.” I did not tell her that the boys had proclaimed their Atheist status. She is 90 and I don’t want her death on my conscience. Mom watched the way I snapped the beans, and nodded approvingly as I took the ends off and then she said, “Forget it.”
Which annoyed me. Asking me to forget my sons being rude to me is like asking me to pretend there are no clouds in the sky. It can’t be done. Except on a cloudless day. But, since the clouds always come back, I was in a pickle.
“I can’t forget it mom,” I said patiently. “They did it on purpose so that I would know that they were purposefully disrespecting me. And they’re not babies anymore. They’re grown men. Mom nodded, and then said, “Forgive them.”
And that was the end of that.
My Atheists are forgiven. But because I am who I am, I went out today and got two kitschy, cute goldfish. One of them covers up the picture of one son, and the other covers up the picture of the other son. My daughter and my oldest son stay just as they are. And someday, *** willing, I will feel impelled to take the fish away. But it sure as hell won’t be today.
Today I am packing for the cottage, where I will enter a Christian enclave. There will be church every day. And you think you’ve got it bad. I will skip, because pantheists are allowed to. I can worship *** at the seashore. You guys will doubtless stomp around in a huffy circle because the fish has got away. I will be back. In about a week.
I will be expecting to hear that there is something that Atheists are good for besides making their mother’s cry. Like maybe that you’re brave? Loyal? Trustworthy? Help little old ladies across the street?
Now that I have family in the congregation, I’d like to know when it’s my turn to bring cookies for the coffee. Or prayer room? I’m good at prayer room. Or telling distraught souls to go in peace? I could do that too. Now I have to pack. Oh, yes, and after you’ve figured out the Code of Ethics and what Atheists actually are? I would like to know if there are any good-looking girls in the group. My sons are hot.
P.S. I think they’re actually clown fish, now that I come to look at them. Which makes me Dory.
P.P.S. Stephen darling. You must think I’m mad. Forgive me please. It’s all that bottled water. I think they’re putting something in it. I’m going to start drinking mine from the tap.