Contest: Best Christian joke ever

[HMS Beagle]

Mary Magdalene is running away from a crowd trying to stone her. She finds Jesus, who shields her and says, “Your sins are forgiven.” Then he turns to the crowd and admonishes, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

The crowd was silenced, but suddenly a rock is lobbed from the back and hits Mary Magdalene on the head, knocking her out cold.

Jesus sees the culprit and says, “Aw, Mom!”

[ghoulslime]

10 little Christians standing in line. 1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9.

9 little Christians stayed up very late. 1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8.

8 little Christians on their way to Heaven. 1 took the low road and then there were 7.

7 little Christians chirping like chicks. 1 disliked music, then there were 6.

6 little Christians seemed very much alive, but one lost his interest then there was 5.

5 little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore, but one stopped to rest, then there were 4.

4 little Christians each busy as a bee. 1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3.

3 little Christians knew not what to do. 1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2.

2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done, differed with each other, then there was 1.

1 little Christian can't do much 'tis true, brought his friend to bible study, then there were 2.

2 earnest Christians, each won one more. That doubled the number, then there were 4.

4 sincere Christians worked early and late. Each won another then there were 8.

8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before. In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1,024.

http://ravingatheist.com/forum/img/uploads/BB%20-%20Crazy%20Christians_92_140.jpg

[Evil_Mage_Ra]

This one comes from http://bck.d2g.com/Billy's%20Home/BillyTheKid/Adam-jokes.html

The others are pretty good, too.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe. But He had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to pee standing. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just let it rip. It'd be so cool. Oh, please, God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...." On and on he went, like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly -- and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy -- she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was ... well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what's left here...?

Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms...."

[Another brick in the wall]

Here's one: Jesus died for your sins.

[Aristarchus]

Here's one: Jesus died for your sins.
Hahaha! Good one. :lol::D:lol:

[Tenspace]

Bumper stickers, etc.

"I found Jesus. He was hiding behind the sofa the whole time."
"Jesus Saves. Moses Invests" (My mom told me that when I was seven)
"Jesus Loves You. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

And then there's this (http://www.tiscarolsplace.com/Humor/honk.htm).

Ten

[clambake]

Bumper stickers, etc.

"I found Jesus. He was hiding behind the sofa the whole time."

Ten
I can't recall the comedian but the topic was how the tradition of easter egg hunts got started.

When they opened the tomb and didn't find Jesus, somebody must have said "hey, did you check behind the couch?"

[Sir Sin-O-Lot]

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.
Jesus is love.
In the beginning, God made Phil and Steve, then Lucie and Pam.

[Rhinoqulous]

More of a Jewish joke, but here ya go:

A rabbi and a priest had been lifelong childhood friends. The priest was always trying to covert the rabbi throughout their entire friendship. One day the Rabbi was across the street from the priest and they were meeting up at the cross walk. When the rabbi crossed the street a car came racing by and knocked the rabbi to the ground. As the rabbi got up the priest saw the rabbi cross himself. The priest came racing to his friend's aid and stated "I knew it! When the time came you would convert!" The Rabbi had no idea what the priest was talking about. The priest said "when you got up from the ground you crossed yourself. I knew when the time came and you were close to death you would see my way and convert. The rabbi proclaimed, "I did not cross myself. I was checking I had everything important.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!!!!!!!!

[Philboid Studge]

Also a Jewish joke. It was a one-panel cartoon, from Playboy. (I just read the articles). Anyway, Abraham is on a mountaintop looking into the clouds with a terrified expression on his face. The caption reads: "You want us to do what?!"

[Evil_Mage_Ra]

Taken from an AOL chat room: http://www.atheists-online.com/fundies.asp?p=12

JESUS lS G0D: Adam birthed eve..eve came from adams rib
REXX321: Adam didnt give birth to eve...he was ribbed, for her pleasure

[HMS Beagle]

More of a Jewish joke, but here ya go:
That reminds me of an Old Testament joke which I feel obliged to say was told to me by a Jewish friend, who advised that I think of Mel Brooks as Moses:

Moses returns from Mount Sinai, faces the gathered multitudes, and says, "I got good news and I got bad news. The good news is, I jewed him down to 10. The bad news is, adultery's still in."

[HeWhoAsks]

What did Jesus say when they took him down from the cross?





















Next time, fellas, feet first.
[J. falls forward but still attached by his feet.]

[Rhinoqulous]

More of a visual joke, but here we go.

Why do chicks dig Jesus?

(Extend arms like you are hung on a cross)
Because he was hung like this.

Ba-dum dum crash

[ASeaOfSins]

A different version of the stoning joke...

A crowd was about to stone a prostitute when suddenly Jesus appeared and exclaimed, "LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE!"

A voice from the back of the crowd replied angrily, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! YOU ALWAYS WANT TO GO FIRST!"

[DennisRB]

This sticker made me laugh the other day, it was on a V8 work SUV, "Evolution, when scientists made monkeys out of themselves" The guy was a fullon redneck, I couldn't help but laugh at him.

[Philboid Studge]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that - (1) you have to be single and (2) you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss -- and a blowjob to boot. A happy ending!

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Mark and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[skribb]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that - (1) you have to be single and (2) you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss -- and a blowjob to boot. A happy ending!

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Mark and I'm going to a Halloween party.'


Hah, awesome! :lol:

[Professor Chaos]

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?



























Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13.

[Philboid Studge]

Prof, the last time I heard that joke it came with a disclaimer:

http://ravingatheists.com/forum/showpost.php?p=367981&postcount=23


But, like a priest's object of affection, it never gets old.

[nkb]

I'm sure everyone has heard this one before.

After God made him, Adam romped around and entertained himself until he finally started feeling bored and lonely. His constant griping to the Creator finally got old, so God told him:

Adam, I will make you a companion. She will be amazing. She will be beautiful, intelligent, she'll always be at your beck and call, will always serve you, will always have sex with you whenever you want, and never talk back to you.

"Sounds great!" says Adam. "I can't wait."

"However, there is a price." warns God. "It will cost you your right arm, right leg, and right testicle."

Adam thinks about it for a second, and asks, "What can I get for a rib?"

Probably more of a anti-woman joke, but so what?

[Stargazer]

How It All Came To Pass...

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them."

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate.

And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream.

And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, You're running up the score, Devil.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.