SpitFire317
06-30-2005, 09:52 PM
When people get home from church, they act all holy. They think of themselves as the holiest thing since Swiss cheese, I swear. I end up getting an earful of how wonderful church was (“I should have gone!” they exclaim), and how the sermon went. New pastor, new baby, a death, they cry, and later pretend to be chaste and innocent human beings. I’ve never once in my life met a real churchgoer who believes in acting as an ideal human just for the sake of it. They have to see what's in it for them before they devote every Sunday morning to something. .. They all go for the brownie points. It puts them higher on the ladder rungs of society, because religion is an honorable thing ‘round these parts. They believe they’re earning points with their god. Every time they go to church, 2 points. Every service left unattended… minus one point.
This is the reason I get to go to hell. My mother said so. She told me that James Taylor would be playing when I’m in hell since I hate his music so much. Apparently she’s the holy one who holds the power to condemn other people. Hmm, she sounds somewhat like Hitler. Interesting, all those jesus lovers and bible preachers are reflections of one of the century's most terrifying figures. They don’t want to save you, they want to be the first one to smile in your face in a disapproving manner and damn you to hell. When counting brownie points, this equals plus 10 points.
Teaching a child the bible is very important for them too. Fill their minds with all those little readings, and force them to memorize them. Perhaps they’ll become like the elders of the congregation, corrupt and self-inflated beings. Corrupt bible teaching gains you 5 points (per child) so start reading! And if a child ever asks, “Where did god come from?” glare at the kid in the most reproachful manner possible, and proceed by adding 3 brownie points because that stupid brat will never ask such a wretched and wicked question ever again.
Oh, and make sure you are charitable. Give $1 in the offering plate, gain 0 points, you can do better. Give$5, you still gain nothing, you can do better. Come on! The church needs money! $10 will at least gain you 1 point. The scale goes up by tens, $20 equals two points, $30 equals three, and so on. Now, if you are unfamiliar with this system, please keep in mind that giving $17 will not gain you 2 points. You must pitch in the extra $3 to make your total $20, and now you gain two points. No decimals in the church system, that would just make too much sense, wouldn’t it?
Now I suppose this becomes a puzzlement for you… why would the rich people go to church then,? They could easily buy their way to “heaven,” so why do they bother going to mass? Simple, I stated it earlier; it puts you higher up on the ladder of society. God is at top, of course, and you’ll never collect as many points as him (I’m glad the bible is sexist and that women are sex tools and cake-bakers for their husbands). God’s been collecting since approximately 10,000 BC (also known to churchgoers as the beginning of time). Dismiss the million year old dinosaurs, they didn’t exist, because they don’t tie in with the bible anywhere. On day one, that ol’ bible says that there were mammals, not giant ugly reptiles that would scream and eat one another. So all those bones…just pretend they are fake…and then add 40 brownie points to your cookie jar. I know that sounds like a lot, but pretending the dinosaurs didn’t exist, along with fervently denying their existence, is a lot of work, so 40 points justifies these actions.
Sometimes, when condemning a person, you realize that perhaps you can convert them. Stupid Buddhists! What the hell were they thinking? A fat man for an idol?! Let us be charitable and force them to become christian. That way, you’ll receive 30 brownie points. Cool, huh?
All hail the superior churchgoers!! You think you’re better, and really believe yourselves to be the best of society. You make me sick in your self-centered interests. Your disgusting self-important and arrogant ways of dealing with life are revolting.
But anyway, here’s the guide to your precious brownie points, the only things that matter to you.
Print off and distribute at will.
Perhaps you can tuck it in-between the ruffled pages of your little pocket bible that you take out from time to time to remind people of your status…
This guide will help you be the best you can be
All for the benefit of who?!
Not your neighbors sickly baby (whom you have given $1,000 in charity money for support).
The benefit is for the most important person ever!
Not your god, why would you say that?
Oh LOOK!!! It’s you.
Proceed in bowing to yourself in front of the mirror
Attending church = 2 points
Condemning someone to hell = 10 points
Bible enforcement (also known as ‘bible rape’) = 5 points (per child)
Reproachful glance after naughty question = 3 points (poor you)
Conversion = 30 points (per person)
Dismissal of evolution, dinosaurs, Big Bang Theory, etc = 40 points (each)
Offering and charity
$0-10 = 0 points you cheapskate!
$10-20 = 1 point
$20-30 = 2 points
etc……….
This is the reason I get to go to hell. My mother said so. She told me that James Taylor would be playing when I’m in hell since I hate his music so much. Apparently she’s the holy one who holds the power to condemn other people. Hmm, she sounds somewhat like Hitler. Interesting, all those jesus lovers and bible preachers are reflections of one of the century's most terrifying figures. They don’t want to save you, they want to be the first one to smile in your face in a disapproving manner and damn you to hell. When counting brownie points, this equals plus 10 points.
Teaching a child the bible is very important for them too. Fill their minds with all those little readings, and force them to memorize them. Perhaps they’ll become like the elders of the congregation, corrupt and self-inflated beings. Corrupt bible teaching gains you 5 points (per child) so start reading! And if a child ever asks, “Where did god come from?” glare at the kid in the most reproachful manner possible, and proceed by adding 3 brownie points because that stupid brat will never ask such a wretched and wicked question ever again.
Oh, and make sure you are charitable. Give $1 in the offering plate, gain 0 points, you can do better. Give$5, you still gain nothing, you can do better. Come on! The church needs money! $10 will at least gain you 1 point. The scale goes up by tens, $20 equals two points, $30 equals three, and so on. Now, if you are unfamiliar with this system, please keep in mind that giving $17 will not gain you 2 points. You must pitch in the extra $3 to make your total $20, and now you gain two points. No decimals in the church system, that would just make too much sense, wouldn’t it?
Now I suppose this becomes a puzzlement for you… why would the rich people go to church then,? They could easily buy their way to “heaven,” so why do they bother going to mass? Simple, I stated it earlier; it puts you higher up on the ladder of society. God is at top, of course, and you’ll never collect as many points as him (I’m glad the bible is sexist and that women are sex tools and cake-bakers for their husbands). God’s been collecting since approximately 10,000 BC (also known to churchgoers as the beginning of time). Dismiss the million year old dinosaurs, they didn’t exist, because they don’t tie in with the bible anywhere. On day one, that ol’ bible says that there were mammals, not giant ugly reptiles that would scream and eat one another. So all those bones…just pretend they are fake…and then add 40 brownie points to your cookie jar. I know that sounds like a lot, but pretending the dinosaurs didn’t exist, along with fervently denying their existence, is a lot of work, so 40 points justifies these actions.
Sometimes, when condemning a person, you realize that perhaps you can convert them. Stupid Buddhists! What the hell were they thinking? A fat man for an idol?! Let us be charitable and force them to become christian. That way, you’ll receive 30 brownie points. Cool, huh?
All hail the superior churchgoers!! You think you’re better, and really believe yourselves to be the best of society. You make me sick in your self-centered interests. Your disgusting self-important and arrogant ways of dealing with life are revolting.
But anyway, here’s the guide to your precious brownie points, the only things that matter to you.
Print off and distribute at will.
Perhaps you can tuck it in-between the ruffled pages of your little pocket bible that you take out from time to time to remind people of your status…
This guide will help you be the best you can be
All for the benefit of who?!
Not your neighbors sickly baby (whom you have given $1,000 in charity money for support).
The benefit is for the most important person ever!
Not your god, why would you say that?
Oh LOOK!!! It’s you.
Proceed in bowing to yourself in front of the mirror
Attending church = 2 points
Condemning someone to hell = 10 points
Bible enforcement (also known as ‘bible rape’) = 5 points (per child)
Reproachful glance after naughty question = 3 points (poor you)
Conversion = 30 points (per person)
Dismissal of evolution, dinosaurs, Big Bang Theory, etc = 40 points (each)
Offering and charity
$0-10 = 0 points you cheapskate!
$10-20 = 1 point
$20-30 = 2 points
etc……….