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Old 03-30-2019, 12:34 PM   #45
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2,395
THE PENTAGON — In response to the unexpected soiling of a lieutenant’s underwear, every member of the U.S. armed forces will now be required to wear diapers, Duffel Blog has learned.

The policy is to be implemented “as soon as humanly possible,” according to an unsigned memorandum distributed via email.

Army Lt. Kyle Nathery was apparently in the middle of a pull-up when he first understood that something was terribly amiss. Though he tried a maneuver he described as a “clench-and-retract,” it was soon evident that he had reached the point of no return, sources said.

Observers of the incident say they wanted to help, but couldn’t think of a way to do so without it being gross.

“I noticed he was walking funny,” said Pfc. Sandra Colt, a member of his platoon. “Kind of like he was trying to hold a pencil in between his ass cheeks — not that I know what that looks like or would ever do such a thing. But then he stopped really suddenly and made this small noise, like the tiniest cry for help I’d ever heard. My heart broke for the guy. I knew right away what had happened.”

“The bottom line — no pun intended — is that this occurrence is a stain — again, no pun intended — on the reputation of our nation’s military,” said Gen. Joseph Dunford, chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “It is vitally important that we take this one isolated incident and broadly apply it to everyone who wears a uniform.”

Use foolproof airtight logic on a mind that's closed and you're dead. - William J. Reilly, Opening Closed Minds
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