Will Jesus Save the Primitive Children of God?

ghoulslime · 11-18-2009, 07:34 PM

One of my colleagues was raised an evangelical of the standard Merkin, blood-drinking, make-believe-believing sort. He recently related an anecdote of his childhood to me. It seems, that as a boy, he had his mouth slapped, then subsequently washed with soap, for asking his mother whether Neanderthals would go to heaven. It was an innocent question for which his ignorant mother had no answer but fierce rebuke.

At the risk of having my own mouth slapped or worse, I would like to raise this same question for our esteemed forum to consider. (Oh, Leprechauns! If they wash my mouth with soap, please let it be Irish Spring! Strong enough for your asshole but effective on dirty mouths! ) It would appear that God took his sweet time making man in His own image. He went through a lot of prototypes before he finally developed the perfect blonde-haired, blue-eyed, simulacrum of Himself.

Nova: Becoming Human Part 1

Nova: Becoming Human Part 2

Nova: Becoming Human Part 3

Did Jesus die for Homo Erectus' sins? Homo Erectus (Not to be confused with sexually aroused gay men!)

Is Peking Man sitting on the right hand side of God in paradise, chowing down on Peking Duck?

Should the Neanderthals have killed and sacrificed animals in order to please the Lord, or were they saved by grace?

Now that the progressive, modern day followers of Jesus, hollowed be His penis, have embraced the reality of evolution, it seems incumbent upon these enlightened messengers of His word to catechize His mysteries for the rest of us. At what point did God breathe souls into his meat children? What percentage of modern human DNA was needed in order for Him to reward us with eternal life? If our genetic sequence deviates from its present arrangement, will He change His plan?

These things I wonder, as I lay awake at night, masturbating to homoerotic fantasies of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet doing Tigger in a bubbling sauna.

Kate · 11-18-2009, 07:41 PM

ghoulslime · 11-18-2009, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Kate wrote

Oh, Piglet! Your throbbing pink is the color of ecstasy!

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 06:57 PM

Apparently, Neanderthals and modern humans coexisted for 10,000 - 12,000 years. During this time, they made inter-species boom boom of an extremely sexy sexual nature. Modern human men fluffed the muffins of Neanderthal gals. Modern human women took Neanderthal chubbies, rock-hard stocky, right down the baby hole! Butt did modern human men smoke the peace pipe of Neanderthal men? Toke on that concept for a minute? Did inter-species pole choking transpire, and if so, which species preferred to be bottom, do you suppose?

But my questions erogenous digress from the religious uncertainty this situation at hand raises! Did offspring result from this distressing liaison sexual between our naughty grandparents of old? Did the exchange of human and Neanderthal liquids of love result in...half breeds? Oh, Gosh!

So far, it looks like that may just be the case. Did God the Father approve of these domestic arrangements? Did He recognize the bonds of holy matrimony between the two species? (Providing, of course, that there were no homosexual partnerships.)

What of the soul? Did Neanderthals have souls? Did half breeds only have half of a soul? Who will ease my troubled mind with enlightenment divine?

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 08:02 PM

Kate · 11-19-2009, 08:23 PM

So easy a caveman.....hey, wait.....

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Kate wrote

So easy a caveman.....hey, wait.....

I'm waiting...waiting....waiting...alright...where is the fucker?

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 09:02 PM

Now that the Catholic Church has updated their obsolete dogmas in order to appear closer to reality, we no longer have to worry about them burning people at the stake for suggesting that humans evolved just like all of the other animals. That evolution is reality is no longer contested by anyone with a functioning frontal lobe. The only big question remaining for the Pope and his poop to clarify for the hungering masses, is at what point God placed the first soul into the first body.

It is very humbling to look at the evolution of life on our planet, and think that our wonderful Santa Clausy Father in Heaven made this clever plan so that millions and millions of years and millions and millions of species could result in a perfect likeness of Him! And it's ME!

Ah, I am so blessed to be the choice creature of God! The one and only creature to have a soul within my body! Squirrels have but this life to live! Bears cannot hope for eternal rewards! Lions, roar while you can, man! There's no eternal paradise for you! Only me! Me, wonderful me! Look how all of those stars shine down upon my glory! Blessed be the wise and eternal God who made me such a special creature!

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 09:07 PM

Do all Homininae get souls or only Homos?

lostsheep · 11-19-2009, 09:07 PM

Quote:

ghoulslime wrote

Apparently, Neanderthals and modern humans coexisted for 10,000 - 12,000 years. During this time, they made inter-species boom boom of an extremely sexy sexual nature. Modern human men fluffed the muffins of Neanderthal gals. Modern human women took Neanderthal chubbies, rock-hard stocky, right down the baby hole! Butt did modern human men smoke the peace pipe of Neanderthal men? Toke on that concept for a minute? Did inter-species pole choking transpire, and if so, which species preferred to be bottom, do you suppose?

But my questions erogenous digress from the religious uncertainty this situation at hand raises! Did offspring result from this distressing liaison sexual between our naughty grandparents of old? Did the exchange of human and Neanderthal liquids of love result in...half breeds? Oh, Gosh!

So far, it looks like that may just be the case. Did God the Father approve of these domestic arrangements? Did He recognize the bonds of holy matrimony between the two species? (Providing, of course, that there were no homosexual partnerships.)

What of the soul? Did Neanderthals have souls? Did half breeds only have half of a soul? Who will ease my troubled mind with enlightenment divine?

Sooooo fucking funny...I laughed out loud. I wish you would post this on a theist site, and I wish I could see the responses. But I'm sure it would be banned b/f anyone could read it! Hey, maybe you could put it on Barney's site?

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 09:14 PM

Who do you think has a shinier, Jesus-wants-me-for-a-sunbeamier, soul?

Homo Heidelbergensis?

Homo Erectus Pekinensis?

Australian Aboriginals?

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 09:17 PM

Quote:

lostsheep wrote

Sooooo fucking funny...I laughed out loud. I wish you would post this on a theist site, and I wish I could see the responses. But I'm sure it would be banned b/f anyone could read it! Hey, maybe you could put it on Barney's site?

Thank you for your praise. God blesses you for your support. He also hopes that you will do a wire transfer from your bank account to mine.

Actually, that's a good idea. Maybe I will play on some theist sites a bit. If it is His will.

ghoulslime · 11-19-2009, 09:24 PM

Does our Father have a room for Homo Erectus?

"In My Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am."
John 14:2-3 (NIV)

Hey, pop, I'm home!

Get thee hence from me, thou soulless beast! The fountain of eternal life is not for your lips!

ghoulslime · 11-20-2009, 07:02 PM

THE PARABLES OF PENUS

The Intellectually Dishonest Neanderthal

Oonga Boonga 16:1-12

1 He also said to the disciples, "There was a Neanderthal who sat on the earth observing a dead antelope. 2 And he thought to himself that death was not a good thing should death occur to him. He wished that death did not have to be. 3 And the Neanderthal said to himself, `Surely the Sun who is so great in the sky, who has the power to bring warmth and life unto all living things, can give to me the gift of eternal life. 4 I have decided what to do, so that I will not die. 5 So, summoning the Sun with soulful pleas, he said to his new god, `God, I shall call you Moroni...no...Zeus....ummm...Jesus! I will offer dead animals to you in sacrifice, and you will give me eternal life!' 6 He said, `Sun Jesus, blessed art thou for making me greater than all of the beasts. Surely I am special amongst all of your creations!'

Meditation: Do you think the Neanderthal is being honest when he considers himself in relation to the other beasts of the Earth? Do you think the Neanderthal really has an eternal soul? Does the Sun really hear his prayers, or is it only wishful thinking?

ghoulslime · 11-20-2009, 07:14 PM

Why do you suppose ancient peoples practiced burial of the dead?

I wonder why Neanderthals buried their dead with ritual items?

Do you suppose Neanderthals loved their children?

Tell me. Tell me please! Did Neanderthals have souls like we do?