Easter Explained!!!!

[Jahrta]

I think I finally figured out the connection between peeps and jesus...it goes a little something like this: few theologians and historians know this, but jesus of nazareth had type 2 diabetes. This was before the advent of hypodermic needles and insulin shots, so whenever he'd have too much sugar he'd go into the ranting speeches about morality and how he was the son of god and all that stuff. Well...one day when he was riding his sugar high he pissed off some roman dudes (I think he said their plumed helmets made them look queer or something) so they tacked him up to some lumber and poked him in the side like a meat pinata for shits and giggles. Three days after he died, he came back as a zombie, and the people who knew him best(the apostles), wishing to preserve his image as a great teacher of mankind, and not an undead zombie bastard, threw some nearby rabbits and chicks at him, hoping to quell his bloodlust and hunger for human brains. As jesus was feasting on the cute 'n fuzzy bunnies (biting off the ears first, of course), Thomas snuck up behind jesus and caved in his skull with a boulder. We eat chocolate bunnies and peeps today in commemoration of the brave little woodland creature who sacrificed themselves so that we may live in a world free of christian zombies (oh....wait.....damn :o :/ :mad:). Furthermore, they are full of sugary goodness to indicate that jesus had a sweet-tooth, and that sugar-derived-tantrums were the basis for his teachings :)

I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it.

[Jahrta]

not one comment, huh? I guess you're just not ready for my wisdom. I wonder if Chris Treborn has anything to add to this discussion....hmm...

[Gnosital]

Finally it all makes sense. This is a far more logical story.

[Jahrta]

Yes, it does indeed - be on the lookout for the Gospel of Butters!

[Philboid Studge]

Butters wrote

I think he said their plumed helmets made them look queer or something

What's a plumed helmet? Uncircumcised?

Amen Jahrta, Amen..

This sounds like a good idea for another movie. They could call it "Passion Of The Bunnies"...

[Jahrta]

Autolite wrote

This sounds like a good idea for another movie. They could call it "Passion Of The Bunnies"...

Well, bunny passion invariably results in a whole mess o' bunnies.

http://ravingatheist.com/forum/viewt...100591#p100591

I was going to do something like this, but you beat me to it. Happy Night of the Living Dead to you too. :cool:

If Jesus was a historical person he was probably ‘manic.’

Jahrta wrote

I think I finally figured out the connection between peeps and jesus...it goes a little something like this: few theologians and historians know this, but jesus of nazareth had type 2 diabetes. This was before the advent of hypodermic needles and insulin shots, so whenever he'd have too much sugar he'd go into the ranting speeches about morality and how he was the son of god and all that stuff. Well...one day when he was riding his sugar high he pissed off some roman dudes (I think he said their plumed helmets made them look queer or something) so they tacked him up to some lumber and poked him in the side like a meat pinata for shits and giggles. Three days after he died, he came back as a zombie, and the people who knew him best(the apostles), wishing to preserve his image as a great teacher of mankind, and not an undead zombie bastard, threw some nearby rabbits and chicks at him, hoping to quell his bloodlust and hunger for human brains. As jesus was feasting on the cute 'n fuzzy bunnies (biting off the ears first, of course), Thomas snuck up behind jesus and caved in his skull with a boulder. We eat chocolate bunnies and peeps today in commemoration of the brave little woodland creature who sacrificed themselves so that we may live in a world free of christian zombies (oh....wait.....damn :o :/ :mad:). Furthermore, they are full of sugary goodness to indicate that jesus had a sweet-tooth, and that sugar-derived-tantrums were the basis for his teachings :)

I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Heh, it makes more sense than the original.

[calpurnpiso]

peepnklown wrote

If Jesus was a historical person he was probably ‘manic.’

Well, the historical Jesus Christ ( head priest) was iulius Caesar who suffered from epilepsy.

Here is a look into the life and times of the TRUE Christ

http://www.geocities.com/caesarkevin/caesar_12.html

Here are excerpts from PLUTARCH ( 100-125 ce) who wrote about the TRUE Christ.
NONE of the historians of the period mentions Christ, his miracles, apostles, sacrifice..NONE. So, there is NO EVIDENCE Jesus ever existed, except as a TITLE of Head priest held by Iulius Caesar who, btw, WAS VIEWED as a god and saviour! . Alas, why people do not get educated in ancient history and the FACTS, instead of relying in fairy tales with idiotic UNSUBSTANTIATED fiction?

From a TRUE historical document: http://history.hanover.edu/courses/e.../211pluce.html

"They ordered that Caesar should be worshipped as a divinity, and nothing, even of the slightest consequence, should be revoked which he had enacted during his government. At the same time they gave Brutus and his followers the command of provinces, and other considerable posts. So that all the people now thought things were well settled, and brought to the happiest adjustment.

But when Caesar's will was opened, and it was found that he had left a considerable legacy to each one of the Roman citizens, and when his body was seen carried through the market-place all mangled with wounds, the multitude could no longer contain themselves within the bounds of tranquillity and order, but heaped together a pile of benches, bars, and tables, which they placed the corpse on, and setting fire to it, burnt it on them. Then they took brands from the pile and ran some to fire the houses of the conspirators, others up and down the city, to find out the men and tear them to pieces, but met, however, with none of them, they having taken effectual care to secure themselves. "

Then....

"The most remarkable of mere human coincidences was that which befell Cassius, who, when he was defeated at Philippi, killed himself with the same dagger which he had made use of against Caesar. The most signal preternatural appearances were the great comet, which shone very bright for seven nights after Caesar's death, and then disappeared, and the dimness of the sun, whose orb continued pale and dull for the whole of that year, never showing its ordinary radiance at its rising, and giving but a weak and feeble heat. The air consequently was damp and gross for want of stronger rays to open and rarefy it. The fruits, for that reason, never properly ripened, and began to wither and fall off for want of heat before they were fully formed. But above all, the phantom which appeared to Brutus showed the murder was not pleasing to the gods. The story of it is this. "

As narrated by MANY historians of the period, we know the CAESAR was a GOD and a head priest ( Jesus Christos) and the COMET represented his spirit.

I must point out that CASSIOUS last name was LONGINUSS and he was the one that gave the FATAL blow to caesar above his heart!!. This is clearly told by the man who did Caesar's autopsy. It is amazing that the name of the Roman soldier who pierced jesus heart with a lance while on the cross to see if he was dead was also LONGINUSS!!. Caesar CHANGED the calendar so he mess with the stars and the sun. As jesus did after "dying" on the cross !...this is laughable and amazing nobody sees the CONNECTION. It is perhaps the IGNORANCE of history that makes people susceptible to LIES!!

The gospels ( writen 100 years after Caesar's death while the cult of Divus Iulius was in its apogee throught the WHOLE empire ), are simply a MUTATIONS of the cult of the head priest, the Divine iulius Caesar. They OMMITTED his name since he was DEATH, but his TITLE ( jesus Christos) were ASSUMED by his succesor Augustus ( the resurrected Jesus Christ) and the rest of Emperors till Emperor Gratian in the 5th Century abolish it....:cool:

[Choobus]

so, did Elvis do drugs or not?

[Philboid Studge]

PZM gets all up in Easter's grille. Kicker: "Easter is a holiday for the mindless, with a grim horror at its center."

[ghoulslime]

Philboid Studge wrote

PZM gets all up in Easter's grille. Kicker: "Easter is a holiday for the mindless, with a grim horror at its center."

That's an excellent piece of writing by PZ. He sums up the silly Jesus sacrifice myth quite handily. Still, I got a chocolate Easter egg today. Jesus died so that I could have chocolate Easter eggs appear in front of my door once a year. Did PZ ever give me Easter eggs? Hmm?