The Incredible Edible Jesus - Page 16

ghoulslime · 03-26-2011, 01:18 PM

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Whisper wrote

You really do present some fascinating reading, Ghoul - thanks

Thanks, Whisper! Hug!

ghoulslime · 03-26-2011, 01:18 PM

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Eva wrote

i don't know if i would want to eat things that are ghoulslime free....

Oh, Eva! You say the most romantic things!

ghoulslime · 03-27-2011, 05:10 AM

A blood-drinking liar for Him has made an RA thread here, in an attempt to demonstrate that his imaginary friend was real. He was obviously too cowardly to make his argument in this thread.

ghoulslime · 03-27-2011, 07:09 PM

You know Jesus and Tammuz, Adonis, and Aastarte, Attis, Marsyas, Hyacinth, and Osiris, but do you recall how many resurrected demigods in all? No, ho, ho! I betcha don’t, but Ghoulslime is here to tell ya about them.

Now we all have our favorite god who rose from the dead. Some of us pray to Attis, some to Mithras, some to Horus, Dionysis, and Aesclepius. Does it matter whether you revere Dionysus or Demeter as your savior and redeemer? Why, no, silly! The only thing that matters is that you have a resurrected god to worship.

Granted, some of the gods are more powerful than others. Horus kicks ass, while Hyacinth is, well, pretty faggy. Some gods have better stories told about them, with more historical accuracy than others. Dionysus is a thoroughly documented and believable account of a resurrected god, while the Jesus story is pretty sketchy and far-fetched. But in the end, it doesn’t matter as long as you have somebody to mumble to when you are on your death bed.

Dionysus, resurrected god!

(Notice the similarity between the image of Dionysus and traditional images of Jesus. It looks like the painter of Dionysus copied a Jesus picture. What? The Dionysus picture was painted long before the alleged lifetime of Jesus? Doh!)

One point I would like to make today is that many people don’t realize the variety of choices they have for their own personal favorite redeemer. There are a lot of gods to choose from, and I’m saying make sure you think your selection out before you make your choice. If you are going to be hanging pictures of your god from the wall, and buying statues for the kitchen table, make sure it is a god you want to keep for a while, in order to recover your investment.

Now, you have probably been put under a lot of pressure by followers of Aastarte, to come to church on Sunday, compare clothing, and put money in the bowl with the rest of the followers. They are, after all a very aggressive sect. Sadly, it is usually the aggressive followers of gods who promote their own gods with violence and fear that draw the largest following. In the struggle to promote bigger, more popular gods, sometimes lesser known gods are pushed into obscurity.

Imagine your joy if you found some forgotten god with only three or four followers? You’d have more god power per person. You’d have a lot better odds of having your god hear you ask for the new microwave oven in prayer, if you only had two competitors. The lady asking for the mansion and yacht, and the guy asking to help get the neighbor lady and her two sisters to do him in a three-on-one gang bang would surely lose out to you lesser request for a microwave oven. Try to calculate the odds of a god with a billion followers! Huh! You got hungry fuckers in Africa praying for a goddamn bowl of rice. What do you think your chances are now for a new microwave oven, Mr. Smarty Pants?

Well, Ghoulslime has a couple of good tips for you. I’ve dug up some very obscure resurrected gods that are sure to be happy to have new followers. I am sharing this information with you, because you are my brothers and sisters in (fill in your god’s name here). This god information is yours for the taking. And it won’t cost you a penny more than the god you are already paying for now. Whatever your god is asking for now, just send payment to Ghoulslime – one tenth of your income, sacrificial lamb, virgin blow job, whatever you are currently paying for your god.

Alternative Redeemers

Quasimodo H. Christ

One of the alternative redeemers who has a limited modern following is Quasimodo H. Christ, first cousin of the questionable Jesus Christ who did some pretty kinky shit like making people drink his blood and eat his flesh. Quasimodo H. Christ never made his followers eat his flesh, though he was known to slip his cock into the mouth of one of his worshippers from time to time. Like Jesus, he was crucified, except he was crucified on a dog house, which fucked his back up like you can’t believe. Quasimodo H. Christ died and was resurrected in the record time of thirteen minutes, seventeen seconds! That is one fast resurrection and definitely a redeemer worth considering.

Tee Bone Dog Dog

Tee Bone Dog Dog got smok'd by uh 9, an' died fo' our sins an' saved us. He ressurrected da next day, but he didn't git up until ten cuz he didn't feel like going out dat day, Foo’. Be understanding dis god be da shit! Tee Bone Dog Dog has not had an equal opportunity to be worshipped, and I demand there be government regulations to correct this injustice! We should issue god stamps to people who want to follow this hip god, to help them pay the costs of their worship.

Bambie McCowski

Father, forgive them, for they know not whom they screw!

Bambie McCowski was fucked to death for our sins. The cocks were all sanctioned by God, so even though she had six hundred and seventy-seven separate penile penetrations in all major orifices of her body, she remained, nonetheless, a virgin in the eyes of god. “Cum, follow me,” This savior said. Now, this is a god I might even consider worshiping. A couple of hours with this redeemer are all the heaven this humble follower would need.

Binky

Binky had the most perfect bowel movements of any mortal, god incarnate or not! Binky is best known for his sermon on the mountain of shit, where he said, “Blessed are the shit makers, for they shall find shit.” Binky shat himself to death for our sins. Binky is a great god with, from what I understand, a very limited following. Binky would be the perfect god for the adventurous type, though the sacrament ceremonies at Binky’s Sunday meetings are pretty funky from what I have heard.

Kinich Ahau · 03-27-2011, 09:01 PM

Kinich Ahau · 03-27-2011, 10:26 PM

Don't forget Chief Chief Cocobutta
He was a great law giver and taught the people to eat coconuts with their fish.
He also performed many miracles while juggling fire sticks. After being stung by a
stingray he died but was resurrected by dinner time and from that moment to this day his face appeared on all coconuts. He instructed his 263 disciples to travel the whole world and spread his message. Unfortunately for the rest of humanity the known world was just 3 islands they could just see on the horizon.

zdave · 03-27-2011, 11:55 PM

Ghoul... you're a genius.

Sol · 03-28-2011, 06:49 AM

Ghoulie..... I laffed and I haz bladder dribble now

But you forgot about that other great redeemer...
Bukakke Jack.
Who's shining white path of jism guides all his devout swallowers.
Who dried for ours sins due to inverted knacker sack depletion....

I believe he holds the cum back record as well, arching his back and including a golden shower in under 5 minutes.

(As you know I can't show a picture, as his image is sacral and no-one should give unto him what he gives unto them)

ghoulslime · 03-28-2011, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Kinich Ahau wrote

Don't forget Chief Chief Cocobutta
He was a great law giver and taught the people to eat coconuts with their fish.
He also performed many miracles while juggling fire sticks. After being stung by a
stingray he died but was resurrected by dinner time and from that moment to this day his face appeared on all coconuts. He instructed his 263 disciples to travel the whole world and spread his message. Unfortunately for the rest of humanity the known world was just 3 islands they could just see on the horizon.

This is an amazing redeemer that I have overlooked entirely! Did his followers eat His flesh and drink His blood, or otherwise put any parts of His body in their mouths?

ghoulslime · 03-28-2011, 07:56 AM

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zdave wrote

Ghoul... you're a genius.

Oh, zdave, please go on!

ghoulslime · 03-28-2011, 08:03 AM

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Sol wrote

Ghoulie..... I laffed and I haz bladder dribble now

But you forgot about that other great redeemer...
Bukakke Jack.
Who's shining white path of jism guides all his devout swallowers.
Who dried for ours sins due to inverted knacker sack depletion....

I believe he holds the cum back record as well, arching his back and including a golden shower in under 5 minutes.

(As you know I can't show a picture, as his image is sacral and no-one should give unto him what he gives unto them)

Bukakke Jack was no slacking hack! Jack whacked and whacked and pounded his sack until He bled for us!

ghoulslime · 03-28-2011, 08:17 AM

Another redeemer that might be considered for worship by those who are tired of following violent and blood-thirsty saviors, and just want a little love in their lives is Kojammed.

Kojammed

His affection for camels kept him out of the running for top contender in the Middle East prophet competition, but it doesn’t mean that his potential for salvation is diminished any. Kojammed would be the perfect redeemer for desert monkeys (not to be confused with dessert monkeys) who have become fed up with bloody redeemers who spend too much time killing people and not enough time sharing their love with camels. Kojammed died of dehydration after nine days of fasting and camel humping. He paid for all of our sins except gluttony. If you are guilty of gluttony, then you might consider a different savior, otherwise, Kojammed is the man. Every follower of Kojammed will be given 78 camels in heaven - and we are talking about young, cute, camels!

ghoulslime · 03-28-2011, 09:40 AM

When I was a child attending Sunday school, I learned that Jesus had 12 apostles who followed him around witnessing his marvelous life. Of course, I believed the fable, because why would my teachers lie to me? I was led to believe that the New Testament was the record of these twelve witnesses to the life of Jesus Christ - twelve noble disciples who lived with and died for our savior, right? WRONG!

There was no Jesus, and there were no 12 apostles! How strange that these twelve chosen men of God, selected to be eye-witnesses to the divinity of Jesus, left no eye-witness statements! (Actually, the New Testament has more than twenty names for the so-called twelve disciples. The liars couldn't even get their story straight!) In any case, these twelve followers of Jesus wrote NOTHING about this alleged redeemer of mankind. They gave no speeches that were recorded by others. They left no teachings, sent no letters! It's almost as if these 12 mighty men did not exist...well, because they didn't - just like their non-existent leader.

Why the 12 apostles? Of course, just like the Sun has the twelve signs of the Zodiac, Jesus, a personification of the Sun, needed to have an appropriate entourage as well. We've all heard the lame blood drinkers' appeal of : "Why would somebody die for something that is not true?" Never underestimate the power of a dead martyr, even in fiction - and twelve of them! There is NO evidence for the existence of the twelve Apostles and absolutely NO evidence for the grotesquely perverse variety of deaths they suffered according to later Christian fables. (The Bible actually mentions only the death of James who was allegedly executed by Herod Agrippa (It didn't happen.) and of course the treasonous Judas Iscariot who gets several different deaths because he was the bad guy.)

There is NO evidence that Jesus was real, and NO evidence that his twelve boyfriends were real either.

Kinich Ahau · 03-28-2011, 09:31 PM

Quote:

ghoulslime wrote

This is an amazing redeemer that I have overlooked entirely! Did his followers eat His flesh and drink His blood, or otherwise put any parts of His body in their mouths?

The Great Chief Cocobutta
Such a noble visage, One must agree it's hardly the face of a lesser redeemer.

Yes Ghoul, Unlike catlicks the islanders actually ate the Great One in their rituals, until the flesh ran out. At which time they replaced the ceremonial morsels with the flesh of any islander that had ingested the Chief themselves. Lots where drawn for this special honour. Somehow the lot always fell to the village bastard. Naturally the islanders saw this as proof of Cocobutta's devine intervention.

The above image is the only depiction allowed of Cocobutta. The drawing in the first post is by a Danish cartoonist.

ghoulslime · 03-31-2011, 05:56 PM

It is widely believed by many historians that Jesus was actually a pirate. Josephus' grandmother once met an innkeeper who's brother-in-law actually met the woodcutter who carved Jesus' wooden leg. This is probably the origin of the association between Jesus and carpentry. Jesus had a marvelous wooden leg. In fact, Tacitus said, "Belief in Christ is a pernicious superstition, but he had the most wonderful wooden leg, you know?"

Due to mistranslations over the years, some false information about ~~Jesus~~ Captain Jesus started circulating. For example: He was known to have said, "Arr, ye lubbers!" This was mistranslated while performing Greek, to "Love yer neighbors!" And he walked on LUMBER not on water! You people need to research your facts more carefully!

Fortunately, Jesus wrote lot's of wisdom on parrot's foreskins and cast them into the ocean in corked rum bottles so that God could send the knowledge to where it would do the world the most amount of good.

Truly he was a great pirate, chosen by God, a divine fisher of men and such!

Ahoy, ask and it will be gi'en t' ye; seek and ye shall find; knock and the door will be opened t' ye! Gar! Aye, me parrot concurs.

Arrr, “I'd easily slip me needle into the riches of a camel t' pass into the Kin'dom o' Hea'en Aye.