Stupid stories in the Bible

[Wright]

2 Kings 2: 23- 24

Elisha, a wise man, who was bald, was moving from Jericho to Bethel. He was minding his own business when some kids came and started mocking his bald head. Elisha glared at them and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And, instantly, she-bears appeared out of nowhere and killed forty-two of the children.


So, can anyone tell me the moral of this story? Is it telling us that little children should not mock people with bald heads.

[orangeitis]

Better topic: Is there any stories in the Bible that AREN'T stupid?

[Michael]

Ah, yes, the she-bears.

The best apologists out there will tell you that

"Well, Elisha was most likely not bald, but had shaved his head as it was a tradition of mourning, which Elisha was doing.
And also, even though it says in some versions 'little children', we're pretty sure god meant 'youths'. And everyone knows that 'youths' back then meant thugs. And since 42 of them got killed, we know it was a large group.
And when they 'made fun' of elisha, we can assume being a large group of thugs, they were going to attack him after they finished their verbal assault.

So really it's about a large group of thugs threatening a man in mourning, preparing to attack him. So really what God did is perfectly reasonably, protecting a prophet of his".

No shit, they really say this.
http://www.christiancourier.com/arti...lads-of-bethel
http://www.discoverymagazine.com/art...999/d9911e.htm

You see, it turns out that when you make shit up and declare that your "inerrant word of god" actually doesn't mean what it says and actually means something completely different, you can make the bible say whatever you want.

By the way, it's fun to let them do this and then immediately use this same technique to re-interpret the bible's stance on homosexuality, and watch them suddenly change their tune about how much room there is for interpretation.

Fucking hypocrites.




And even if we allowed for all that interpretation that is clearly not there, at the end of the day, God willingly chose to kill 42 people, when he could have done anything else.
He could have sent an angel down to warn the youths off. He could have made a strong wind that blew them away. Hell, he could've made them all suddenly remember they had left the fires on at home.

But no. He chose to send two bears to rip out their innards.

And they really expect us to believe this God is just and merciful?

[Smellyoldgit]

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth"

[Kinich Ahau]

Yeah. that's the highlight, it's all downhill after that. Except the bit with the talking donkey. I like Eddie Murphy.

[Wright]

For the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of research about hypocrisy in Christianity and the Bible. I have come to a conclusion that around ninety percent of the Bible is garbage and almost every orthodox Christian is a hypocrite.

Here is another stupid story from the Bible. It’s in Judges 19: 22- 29. A man and his concubine take shelter for the night in an old man’s place. That night, a group of wild men appear at the door and asks the old man for his guest because they wanted to rape him. Surprisingly, the old man values a stranger whom he just met more than his young virgin daughter. He offers his daughter instead. The wild men are still not satisfied, so the old man decides to send his guest’s concubine out. The wild men were given permission to do whatever they want with her. The men brutally rape her all night and at last, the poor woman dies on the doorstep of the house where her husband was staying. As if that was not enough, her corpse is cut into twelve pieces by her own husband and sent to different tribes of Israel.

Moral of this story? I hope none. Anyone who is capable of logical reasoning can understand that this story is one of the most disgusting ones in the Bible. However, the madness of orthodox Christians knows no bounds. I’m sure they will try to defend this story, even today. Christians are supposed to be merciful and compassionate, yet, they are the only ones who can find “justice” in such a loathsome story. The “holy” Bible is also full of many “holy” rules which Christians ignore. Let’s take a look at some of them.

New Testament

Matthew 23: 9: And you must not call anyone here on earth “Father”, because you have only the one Father in heaven.

“Father” has even become an official title in Roman Catholic Churches. When asked about this passage, even orthodox Christians who proclaim that the Bible is literally true will contradict themselves by saying that this passage should not be taken literally.

Matthew 5: 27: If your right eye causes you to sin, take it out and throw it away.

There are lots of Christians who watch pornography, even though it goes against the Bible. But, anyway, that’s not the point of discussion here.

The point here is that though Christians proclaim the Bible to be literally true, they will not say the same for this passage. NOT A SINGLE CHRISTIAN will take this passage to be literally true. Even the ones who keep saying that the Bible is God’s word will contradict themselves when you ask them about this passage. Because if they do, more than half of the Christian population would be blind. Literally.

1 Corinthians 7: 27: Are you unmarried? Then don’t look for a wife.

How I wish the orthodox Christians would follow this advice! If they did, the orthodox Christian population would die out quickly.

Matthew 7: 1: Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you.

Yet I have to meet a Christian who does not judge me for my freethinking. I am still looking for a Christian who does not judge atheists for their atheism, Hindus for their Hinduism or Buddhists for their Buddhism.

Old Testament

Few Christians who are bad at arguments may say that the laws of the Old Testament do not apply nowadays. But, anyone who says so is a hypocrite. Because if they cite the Ten Commandments from Exodus 20, and say that it is to be followed even today, then they must also follow the other laws of the Old Testament. Sometimes, they also cite proverbs from the Proverbs section in order to justify their wrongdoings. But, they should have only two options. Either they completely throw away the Old Testament along with the Ten Commandments, or they obey ALL the laws.

Exodus 35: 2: Anyone who does any work on the Sabbath is to be put to death.

It’s not hard to find Christians going to office on Sunday, or doing household work. And, yet, none of them are put to death.

Deuteronomy 13: 12- 15: If you find out that a different city worships other gods, then burn the city and kill everyone in it. Even the animals.

Yet, no Christian today dares to attack a city that has polytheistic residents. But, one thing can leave the reader wondering and that is why would a loving and merciful God want the animals killed, just because the humans were worshipping other gods?

Of course, this list can go on and on. I am just not in the mood to embarrass the orthodox Christians anymore. For now, that is.

[Wright]

orangeitis wrote

Better topic: Is there any stories in the Bible that AREN'T stupid?

Probably not.

[Davin]

Yeah, it should have been, "[Are] there any stories in the Bible that aren't stupid?"

I haven't seen any. The only "good" stories from the bible are ones taken out of context and/or twisted to hell and back.

[West491]

I disagree with the very foundation of Christianity: redemption through the sacrifice of another person. Why can't we just be accountable to each other?

When I was in Sunday school, David and Goliath was, by far, my favorite story.

[Wright]

Jesus rising up from the dead as a zombie is just another stupid story that doesn't get labeled as such.

[Sol]

One of my favs.....

MARK 11:12-14ish Where Jezzer picks on trees.
12 And on the morrow, when they were come from Bethany, he was hungry:
13 And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet.

14 And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it.

And Mark said unto Luke, “he’s lost the plot again hasn’t he.”
And Luke spoke thus: “It’s a metaphor”
Mark: “Thank fuck for that, I thought he was going to go off on one again”
Luke: “Naw….I expect He’ll do some smotting now though’”
Mark: “ Oh good, I like a good smote”

And Mark and Luke spoke as one saying: “Go on Jezzer, give it a good smote. The bastard deserves it”.

And verily, giggling and smirking ensued.

Spanking good tale is that....

[Wright]

The moral of that story is probably not to disobey Jesus, even if you are an inanimate tree.

[Kinich Ahau]

It looks like The Jeez had no concept of seasons. Dumb Fuck.

[Sol]

To be fair, (which I isn't) it's not surprising poor Jezzer had anger management issues....He was the result of a really fucked up dysfunctional family..

His mother was raped, thereafter developing a compulsive disorder, manifested in her compulsion to only wear Blue capes and hoods. Running round the sand dunes like some ersatz bedouin Batman.

His dad wasn't his real dad... he was an itinerant handy-man who had a weird donkey travelling thing going on coupled with a shroom addiction.

His "proper" dad was an amorphous omnipotent imaginary being who was absent for all of Jezzers imaginary life, who had also invented the universe !! Oedipus complex much....

His uncle John was chucked in the clink for trying to drown people whilst mumbling, only to have his head lopped off to make salami..

A host of brothers, cousins, uncles who, at some point, were all up on various charges of pig buggery, goat shagging and camel felching...

That's one seriously fucked up individual....
Mills and Boon it aint.

[Smellyoldgit]

Sol wrote

pig buggery, goat shagging and camel felching...

Ah yes, the classic offerings from the llama sutra.