Kamikaze

It’s Come To My Attention Most People Haven’t Spent Enough Time Daydreaming About Zombies.

And it will cost you when they come. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to let you in on a secret or two which could save your life.

I’ll begin with the disclaimer, though. Should the zombies come, and if they are the speedy as hell variant which can run at Olympic speeds, we are probably all screwed. Only luck and a chain-fed shotgun will probably get you through that mess, so you may very well consider kissing your butt goodbye.

However, because I like a good challenge, I’ll address the “Fast Zombie” problem.

First of all, there are a number of really crappy ideas that seem like good ideas when you first think of them.

“Let’s go to Wal-Mart and horde supplies!” - …As if this won’t be a popular idea. Every single person who goes to your local supermarket thought of this same idea at the very first chance. And the slightly smarter of them will think to bring weapons to enforce their greed with gunfire. Wal-mart will be a war zone. The size of this war zone will vary depending on the size of your town, but it is safest to assume the worst.

Good advice: Those who are wisest know that this is a shitty idea. Don’t even bother going to Wal-Mart even if you are in the special forces and have an armory in your house. Just wait for your neighbor to do it and then raid his stuff. (Yeah, it “isn’t very nice” but, be honest, you never liked him anyway.)

“Let’s get on a boat!” - Again, this will be a popular idea, and virtually any place with boats may as well be considered a war zone. Or a zombie infested area as they are drawn to the aftermath of the war zone.

Good advice: Wait a few days, and this might be a considerable option. But you must have reason to believe the zombies in the area aren’t very dense, and I can’t imagine you could possibly know unless you live right by some boats. In which case, you would’ve made a mad dash to get on them in the first place, and, in order to beat the neurotic gun-wielding people who want your boat, left without adequate supplies loaded onto it, leaving you fucked. So basically, boats are irrelevant unless you’re the only person who knows about it/them. That’s the exception to the rule of avoiding them, pretty much at all costs.

“Let’s get a lot of supplies from Place X and camp out on the roof!” - Sure, you may avoid a lot of war zones this way, but your presence will be obvious. To the experienced zombie apocalypse veteran, you will have a sign floating over your head that says “unarmed, scared, supply horders here!”

Good Advice: Don’t be the people on the roof who are obviously scared little puppy dogs waiting to be robbed. Instead, be the robber.

“Let’s drive to Place X, which is far away!” - Unless the police find it more important to direct traffic than fight zombies down to the last man, you’re probably SOL. It only takes one or two car crashes to block up a roadway. And people, being panicky, will try to deal with this situation in a horrible manner which only results in more car crashes blocking up more of the road. In turn, this will result in more zombies, and you sitting in rush hour traffic being swarmed by flesh-eaters.

But, let’s say you get out of any traffic problems somehow, and you’re on the road. You’ve got a problem on your hands though. Your car is running low on gas. So what’re you going to do? Stop at a gas station, and use the pump? Or did you remember to bring that siphon, so you can steal gas from someone else? I hope you have a gun, lots of ammo for said weapon, a person to hold said weapon, and get plain lucky by not having the undead swarm you.

Good Advice: You don’t want to travel any major roads, but if you have to, you want to travel them for short distances. The longer time you spend on a road, the more likely you’ll run into a traffic jam… AKA “feeding frenzy.”

“Let’s save random people!” - How chivalrous. How brave. How you’re going to get yourself killed.

First of all, if I ever meet you — a random person waltzing around in the apocalyptic hell world — and you either have a gun in your hands or something I need/want, I will at least try to kill you. I assume most people who have survived to any mentionable extent would do the same. An exception is when a person’s party has died off, and they need a new one.

For your purposes, I will assume this person, and all others you meet, is of this party joining type. Now, since you’re so chivalrous and brave, you rescue a few people. Your small party grows to a large party. And, as you may not have expected, large parties require more supplies. More supplies means more trips to places with zombies more often. It’s likely many of the people you rescued will, once again, be facing death anyway.

Again, for your purposes, let’s say you are able to gather enough food, water, and weaponry to last you. Perhaps, you may even say, a surplus.

Those people you rescued? They didn’t know you before this happened, and if they’re smart, they’ve seen that your large amount of supplies would last a lot longer if it was only supporting four or five people — or just one — instead of your whole group. Without any strong loyalties, a band of them may decide to kill the rest of you. (I know I would!)

Good Advice: Don’t rescue people you don’t know; trust only those you know you can trust, and even then, only trust them when you know their motives are the same as yours.

“I’m bit! Let’s go to the hospital!” - AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

Good Advice: Shoot yourself. At least you won’t become one of them.

Okay, so far I’ve addressed a few standard, and crappy, ideas about what to do in a zombie outbreak. To move on, I’ll actually give you some advice about how to go about things in general.

First, you DO want to secure supplies. Lots of supplies. Horde them. You’re trying to wait-out death itself here, never settle for less when you could have more. Get them in any manner you can.

Second, you do NOT want to be outside of a secure place very often. That means when you do go out into the big scary world, you do something useful so you can cut back your risks. If you run out of Twizzlers and Cheetos — fuck ‘em — it’s not worth it.

Third, find some place and sit tight. Don’t be obvious. Do have supplies. Do have a gun. Do have an escape plan, and do have a second secure place to go to, if possible.

Fourth and finally, other survivors can rightly be viewed as resources as long as a) you don’t know them, or b) you know them but still don’t care about them. Feel free to rob them, kill them, and eat their corpse over an open flame.

Annnd… that’s all the zombie advice for this post, but I’ll be sure to have more later. So get out there and start surviving!

Filed by kamikaze189 at September 26th, 2007 under Humor, Seriousness