The problem with achieving nirvana, or being blissed out, or finding your self out of time (how interesting), is that you see pieces of yourself in the eyes of everyone you see. (Mom. He looked at me.) (That’s okay dear. You look right back.) So I have been playing tic tac toe with the eyes we see and guys, my head goes down, and my tongue is playing with my lower lip in a very suggestive fashion. Some of you have tentacles, some of you have ear lobes, and there is a toe or two that blows my mind. And our heart just keeps filling up.

Must make coffee now. Coffee is brewing. Just thinking. Um guys? Just so you know, at no point do radon beams come thurling out of our eyes. Not going to happen. Not in this lifetime. There may be a picture or two called into view, like the blue with impressions of pink, with green at the bottom which is now gone, but if any person tries to turn that into a metaphor, we will be sorry. But ixnay on the adonfay? Clear? Good.

Wanted to talk to the system. (excuse me.) wanted to talk to the system. (excuse me.) wanted to talk to the system. (excuse me.) system error.

thought so. so we’ll talk to each other instead. in the search for system bigger, faster, stronger, harder, we all have needs…we have outdistanced our mommas. My momma can’t watch T.V. anymore because she can’t work the remotes (her hands are soft and gentle), and she cannot see the screen, (which is just as well thank ***) But even for Jeopardy, it can’t be done. So we sit and talk, and while we would like a show once in a while, for fun, it’s not much fun and me thinks the minds making the shoes are sad, and angry and not happy, and me cares about that. so. but Buffy the Vampire slayer remains, in my mind, as the best series ever so there. House comes second, but his minions should be more afraid of him, cause they really are. Rick Mercer comes third. (Ha. Ha. Ha.) Get me my quote please? it’s horrible to bring things into the house just for yourself. It’s selfish. And as far as computers are concerned, moma thinks they are tools of - well - mine, when we come to think of it. live spelled backwards dontcha know. Mama is very old school and I straddle the chasm, riding a saddle prepared for me by a very dear friend of mine whom is not here right now.

So anyone. Some of the toys are gonig to be taken away dear. Mmhmm. No. We did not use them properly. We did not think of our momma. And we used them to trick our mommas into buying things they did not need. kind of like encyclopedia salesmen’s but with fine print. What’s that you say? Someone’s going to take them away? No sweetheart. No one is going to take anything away from our sweet child. We are going to look at our things ourselves and we are going to see what we need and what we want. The want things go away. The need things stay. (No not everything, angel, run to the forest and hide.) This is not purging (don’t do that honey. it’s not good for you). This is choosing.

Why just the other day, I was at my sister’s house and the phone rang and it was someone for my nephew and I went downstairs to call him and he said, “Didn’t you bring the phone?” And I said, “The phone is upstairs” and he said, “Didn’t you bring the portable”, and I said, “No, I came to give you the message”, or something along those lines. And truly, he looked a little annoyed that he had to go upstairs and go to the landline, and truly, I don’t believe I heard a thank you in there.

That was rather a boring paragraph to get my heart beating like a drum, but there it is. Bum, bum. bum bum. bum bum. Bliss, bliss, bliss. deep breath.

Our babies are babbling at the sky with their hands to their ears, and we would like our babies to be looking in our eyes when they tell us thank you momma.

Tell you the truth, we don’t understand half the things the babies are saying anymore because it’s mostly babble. Tower of. Babel. On. And we hate to take toys from our babies, but there comes a time to choose. Do we want to look into their sweet eyes, or do we want to hear them saying, “Yeah. Right. Uhuh. Later. Not. Tell Jordan.” And our babies conversational skills are lacking to. Not mention manners. But we are their moms and we can teach cause we love ours.

My, we are in a preachy teachy mood today aren’t we? Time someone said it. We thought you guys knew or we would have said it before. But we didn’t know. We are sorry. We will do better.

To bring the mood up, we would like you to know that the cigarettes in our cigarette bag are falling down at our chest. There are 25 down and 1 is falling. We think we will smoke it.

P.S. We stole babbling at the sky from RA. Good pharse. Licked it. Stole it. Sorry.
P.P.P.S. Kami, nothing personal, but we haven’t connected lately darlin, and a we had needs.
P.P.P.P.S. Micahel. Bum. Bum. Bum. (remove the B)
S.P. We cancelled the cable hon. Hope you’re on board with that.

Ahem. I just tried to light a cigarette and the match would not flame. So I threw the match book into the garbage. I kept the match, just in case it changes it’s mind. We do not throw out good matches here. Then I took a new pack of matches out of the freezer and I am lighting my cigarette…so. It always discomfits me when there is no one to light it for me. This used to be good manners, no?

Be that as it may, this is for those of us who are so deep into our heads that we cannot find the way out, and I’ll try to be as dense and obtuse (Sorry, mama,), I will try to be as metaphorical and allegorical as I possibly can so we can read as many different stories into the story as is possible.

this is a backward reworking of slef. close as I can figure anyway. and when we start it, we are often in the dark zone and away from family and the sense of urgency is there and we flee. we flee to what we think is the answer, we run to a person, a car, a job, a home. we think we will find it there. when we are very dark, we feel that we are ashes and we see only pain and disease. Been there. Done that. Threw the t-shirt out. coming to the light is just as strange but not so urgent. we turned our dance of becoming into yoga, dancing, going to the one who made you, sharing a meal, touching a finger, eating in community, listening to the sounds, and by the way, alcohol is very useful, as is wheeeed, and i have not tried the others so i don’t KNOW, but i talked to a girl who gave oiut illegal (No swearing) who gave out herbs and stuff to help ease the pain and i asked why people took (no swearing) and she said it was to help them stop thinking because the thoughts hurt so much. i know the feeling. this side of the transforming is amazing. me can tick tack toe into time by looking at the click clock, but me knows it is not me time. it is we time. inside we time, when we look for answers, that matter, we get them, we think. except for the origins of the phrase “Leave ‘er lay where Jaysus flung ‘er”, which is starting to annoy.

SO. Somebody is going to want to right a book about living in the now. Oh. It’s been done? Goood.

This is living in the now. I feel the air from the fan above me blowing. There is stuff around me. The rice is here. Vincent’s starry night is in front of me, and my baby’s calendar is beside me. Once in a while, I look at it. It says, “Since you’re gross, shouldn’t you be smart? It is her Happy Bunny calendar that she liked and those are not her words. Those are someone else’s words. But my baby knows how to use words to push people away. But I will change the words on her calendar that I bought and I will change them to “Since you’re g, shouldn’t you be smart?” These things do not necessarily follow.

(Where are my angels when I need them>

A note to the writers of the church of we. we use true words. we hate old words. we want new words. or we will do nothing except say we are sorry. (banging fingers, banging fingers. daddy must be in the house).

we think we have played shoot em up for too long. the new game is dig and sow, delve and span, and peek a boo. we love u.
P.S.S. Kami. Was that a bit dry??????? for u?
P.S.S.S. Michael? The black paint I used to cover the ross in gross is nowdripping down the calendar and the 7 is gone and it’s headed for 14. Do you want to cover 14? Or shall we let ‘er lie? Me want tinkers to evers to chance.
P.S.S.S.S. Dance time.
P.S>moment. 14 is covered. heading for 21. what are the ods. I think it’s stopped. me too. what about u? who? Oh. And it’s not witches you mindrods. It’s which do you choose?

So last night, after my brothers music played on and on and on, i heard phil collins, (YES), singing, sing out. And I take direction well, so I went on the balcony and I sang Oh oh oh you you you tee tee tee me mee me. And then I ran it up and down the registers a bit to see if the pipes still worked and between you and me they’re a little raspy and i sound like a guy but shit, have you loo(mamma, i is too busy to do de stars right now) (Give it to momma later baby, we will fix it. it will be homework K?) (K momma.) Sanks momma. Then I went and pointed NSWE, does anyone know where those places really R? And I stuck my hands out and sang, “Dona, nobis pacem, pacem, dona nobis pacem”. Then I did it again. And then I did it again. (Song guy. Figure it out).

Michael down there, 905-695-1087. I am the bom. U R 2 Cute. Um. Nobody call michael yeah? I pulled the numbers out of a card, and a quote and an e-mail i got from the place i might posibly not be working for ever again. But we don’t have secrets. Cuz secrets hurt people.

Okay. Back to Dona, nobis, pacem, pacem, dona nobis, pacem. It R latin. I like latin. Hic sunt draconis. alternatively we have cogito ergo sum. unfortunately, we can get cute all we like with latin but nobody wants to play with us because all the latin people pretty are pretty much, elsewhere.

(Michael, you is stealing my heart from Kami and you two timing, not, well, i, now i is all confused and, what do I tell - oh - Kami can play tooo? Michael….hone…you just playing my keyboard……lick. Shugar i am working here, and getg you r hanad ooooffff fuf we. ) Don’t do that again. We have work to do here. (but it was fun. (Yes it was) (Don’t tell anybody) No. It must remain a secret forever because loose lips, loovve.)

Michael is going for the record. We will ignore him.

Latin. Yes. Nobody much speaks that anymore. ANd to my ********brethren and sistren our there have u noticed that the ********** seem to be doing nothing but putting in pictures of ******* touching ******. Huh. I haven’t seen a ****** touch ******* in all my born days. Not. Same picture. Different day. ******** just don’t have a new story. We do. We think they are sick of their old story. We can play together. Plus, when I was at mama’s the other day? Mama made me sit on the deck while mama sat in the sunroom and the screen door was closed between us. We were together, but we were separate. We did not touch. And you can bet your bottom dollar that when we touch (cue the music guy), ain’t nothing gonna get between us sugar (MICHAEL. Stop it.) (5 minute break guys. Something personal.)

to the touch and feel guys down at the local house of sewing up owwies and patting down boobooes, we would like to mention that this is a fascinating opportunity to observe the psychosis in evolution. (BAD WORD ME.) Excuse me? ME DO NOT LIKE PSYCHOSIS. (Well, what can we put in it’s place?) Me like amazed. Amazed it is sugar. Thanks hon. Had to pee. Did NOT wash my hands. Getting sticky. And for the rest of our compatriots down at the home of amazing grace, where we occasionally check in to evolve a tentacle or two, let us assure you that the tobacco will be on the menu, there will be chocolate and fudge for all, and if you need to shout out to anyone while you’re going through the change (bad label guys, fix it.), then your cuddly bunny hold 8 will be of the fluffiest fleece. Me no like leather straps.

and no there are no grudges, ill will, non of that harbored, no no no no no. it’s okay. and if we feel the need, we can say sorry. but it’s you just id.

me said id? humph. didn’t want to. id, ego, superego, labels, labels, calling names. trying to control what we don’t understand. we are me and we are three plus three plus i, which, by the way, would make a fascinating study about the three faces of Eve but it’s already been done and i didn’t like the movie. plus, guys - did anybody see anybody hugging in that movie. screach, screen, cries, tears, lack of empathy lots.

we f ear what we do not understand. we step back and run away. we put up walls to protect ourselves from experience. go to your cubicle right now. take those plastic things out of your ears. hear. what. there. is to hear. not much huch? white noise. i like black noise. i like the boys down in Delaware, pants half off their ass, with a boom box playing and - you know what I heard the other day. i heard that when you need help from a brother, he’s the first one there. give u all he got. and then some.

back to tidy widy we’s. (momma i see sorry. what other language can we use to describe f ear.) (imprisoned?) Got it.

Some of us, my angel nephew included, are afraid that the chipmunk will bite. Me can’t take away my nephews fear, but me can give my nephew a new story. Me told him that my nephew would make a good cowboy. My nephew already has an army suit. But a cowboy suit is much more fun (No bullets honey.) Yes mama. (He can have a bow and arrow) (Yes mama. But then he’d been an indian (feathers) mama. No honey. He’d be Jordan. And what will we cook for supper mama? Chicken, honey and chile. And a little corn bread. and some watermelon for desert. Watermelon pie, watermelon pie, if i don’t get some i think i’m going to talk aabout the ramifications of Do people reall eat those?

And now I am going to speak to my children the ****, who started all this. Yes, you got the good news and yes, you kept the secret scrolls of the *****, and yes you did a good job, and mmmhmm, me are proud of you. well. sorta. well. i was. a while back. before the ….you know. but we like the hats. I said we like the hats. When me pay you a compliment we say thank you. Got It. u did not **** anybody. andybody ****** u. and u never forgot. and there is no one to say sorry to. you may say sorry to me. me read your book when i was 8. your book hurt me. you say sorry to who you have to, and you hold your hate like a black rock in the river of live and you stand on it while the water rushes by and you want to get off of the rock and jump in the river of life. Now would be a good time. Jump in. weather’s fine. water’s wet. we love you. my brother says he left the circle in the sand (cue music) for me. What do the ancient, secret, scrolls say>? A man from your house took a glass of wine from a woman of your house (after he asked her permission) and he gave it to me and he said that we drink to life. And we did. It was fun. Let’s do it again, cause all i can get at the ********* house is juice and i’m not a fan. Oh yea. Somewhere in the ***** it says that *** walked around the camp and saw that people had been ******** outside? And *** said, get a shovel and bury that, it’s **********. Me think so to.

And speaking of disgusting, the ***** says that *********** are **********. Which means the root words of disgusting need to be looked into very carefully. Me no have greek. Oh forget the book. They all have words and they all mean the same thing. My label. Your label. Our label.

We are we.

(Baby, don’t you think you should take a nap.) Nope mamma. Me is growing up. Me is at least ten fingers. and a quarter of PC Cola full of ashes. (Just a little while longer baby) K mamma.)

Me has had so many labels, that me has been able to duck behind every one of them and be whatever anyone else was looking for. It is a sophisticated little came, but it is essentially, duck, duck, goose.

It is a very fun game. A bit tiring. I think I’ll go to bed. The nap sounds good.

I’m almost positive I’ll see you in the morning.
P.S. Michael. I still have a thing for Kami. Is a menage a trois OK?
P.P.S. I have no geese in my apartment. Why is that?
P.P.P.S. Voodoo. Had to get it from voodoo. altar, alcohol, sage, peace, card, pen, dice, shells, domino. Haitians got it going on. Do Dah, eday.

Song: Get mea musical director.

Almost drank the ashes in the P.C. cola. Ick.

Kami. i don’t like the wink hon. I want an eyelash coming down. Could you do that for me shugar? Pretty please?

Now what did I do at mama’s, let me think. Um. Well, first off, we went looking for the rice because we were going to make a mean rice curry, but when we got there the cupboard was bear and so we had eggs instead. With toast. Nicely browwwwwned. And then mama washed my hair with this stupid stuff that said it was cleanser but which I finally figured out was shampoo, and then I washed mama’s hair and then we dried our hair and then we went to bed…and I rubbed mama’s back a bit, and then I got up and went for a smoke. And then I came back and lay on mama’s other side and she rubbed my back. (no she didn’t. okay. i forget sometimes) And then mama gave me a peppermint (so good for the breath dear), and I took it. (Note to self. Don’t do peppermints anymore.) And then mama had a nap and I went outside and took off my shirt and my pants and my undies and stretched out my arms towards heaven in a ritual Dukeboor “standing naked before evil” kind of way. It was dull, but, somebody had to do it. Then I put my pink panties on backwards and put my pants on again and my shirt and then my pink shirt (alright, it’s more like purple but, say, o where do you people get these colors from?)

lost my train of thought. hmm. okay. then went up the stairs and had a smoke. (most likely) (Mama’s napping see). went down the stairs again (plastic laminate, grey) stains when chips get on it. Went back down and stood on the grass in my bare feet, cause I likes bare feet and I swayed back and forth and back and forth and then the lights came on because my sister’s person has those automatic timers that set the lights to come on at some time or other? K. So, I’m swaying back and forth and raising my arms to heaven, and I think I still had a smoke in one hand, in fact, i’m sure of it, and I noticed that there were 4 shadows of me. Which was kind of odd and I asked my nephew about it later and he said “different lights Ant Wendy.” I didn’t know different lights could shadow four ways. But then I asted, him, i siad, one of the shadows of me flicked out?” And he said, “maybe one of the lights turned off”. Hi Michael Heilemann, down there in the bottom of the screen. I’m Wendy Spoelstra. Thank you for designing WordPress MU for me. Uh. We. We. It is definitely we guys. Could you make that an automatic change cause sometimes I slip and often I tumble, bu t I do not like to fall. (my fingers go funny when I type like that, i do not know why).

Okay. Shadows, shadows, shadows, this hunt and peck is a pain in the ***. Going down the stairs. It goes before the rice, but there was corn at the bottom of the stairs and I finally figured out why. Wendy likes corn.

Im drinking iced tea and water now. And the fire is going out. And the last butt is in the peace plant. Glad that’s over. (Kami, that puzzle you gave me? 2.rs’=1me. Now tell me where the sailboat is in my shell collection? Is it under the white shell, the white and black shell or the rock from oman?

Earth beneath my feet darlin. Wind in my sails 2u2.

so, i was out on the lawn, kind a rockin back and forht, and thinkin of my black brusters who leaped over the fire (there is a fridge magnet at my mama’s house and I just so love it and i want one too), and so i figured one of us tidy whitey people ought to be able to go there. (fingers doing the funny think agin). So I rocked and held up my arms and there was a flaming torch (no darling. it was a cigarette. picky mama, picky.) and I rocked, and, nothing was going on down there so I list3ened and I heard the bagpipes. And I wondered who in sam hill was playing bagpipes at this time of night? But I not my business. Not my problem. And then I heard the tattoo. Yever hear a good tatooe. Yah ever get a good tattoo? I believe my brother told me tha t I swhouold be tattooeed. (mama, i is starting my own orchestera with bagpipes. Thats’ fine sweetheart). Okay. But the drums went away which was too bad cuz the guy had a good, strong hanhd. Distant. But stirring. Then I went and had a drink of water. And then I had coke. And then I had a beer. And then I burped. A few times. And oh me oh my, did I have a stomach ache. Reminds me of that there Patmos Ezekial kind of feller, who swallowed the something or other. And speaking of swallowing, before that my niece came over with her husband. They’re from Alabama? No that’s not right. Kentucky? No that’s my sister’s sister-in-law. Memphis. They’re from Memphis. Where you know who lived. (we are not channeling him tonight, but , hey, life is full of surprises.)(

Okay. They came before the dance thing, so could you back me up guys? Niece and Roy came and we had a chat. Roy said he’s been shot four times and stabbed twice?

(Okay. Whose the joker who has the shitty religious music on? Cut the crap. I hate that shit. Do you know how many years I had to listen to holey, holey, holey. It’s you guys doing it. You know it is. You’re starting to beliee in we and you are sooooooo pissing me off. You should hear the music. It’s like christmasy - KIAMI? I am so whipping your ass with my camel prod.) (If anybody starts with the classical, I am going out the window. (No you silly. That was LAST year. This is now.) Mama has just nudged my shoulder and given me the look. It’s okay mama. I know. I’ll go get the soap and make bubbles.

Back to Roy. He had on a T-shirt from the trail of tears? And I saw the eyes of the indian. and he looked pretty good. and there was a chopper on there that looked amazing.

Hmm. Roy. Sue. Indian eyes. Oh. Best part ever. You’re never going to believe it. Which works for me.

Roy and I had a cigarette and a pipe, and Sue and grammy had a tea. And then we hugged. And then Roy and Sue went back to my sister-in-laws and then I got back on the grass and I raised my arms to heaven (that would be the sky, not the actual heaven, heaven here, whatever, and Kami, I did not babble, nor did i buble. So cut it out. (Mention the part where you blew the cow bone horn down in the basement. Shush mamma. It was dusty. They don’t have to know that my sister’s basement is dusty.) Forget about the cow bone.

Okay. Raising arms to sky, fingers wiggling, hips shaking, (cuz hips don’t lie SHaki88ra, ugogirl.) And then I brought my arms down and brought them behind my back, and we closed the circle. We’re all in. Thought you should know.

And then I went and did the dishes. (probably not you liar. ha. says you. me too.) I definitely did the dishes at some point. Spit, cups, dishes, dried em up in the pan, we can bring home the bacon. Cook it up in the pan. La da di dah.

P.S. Kami. Can I get a day job? My gut still hurts from all that beer and water and coke.
P.S.S. Kami. Who put the “f” in ear?
P.S.S.S. If anyone says “powerful voice out of the north”, there will be consequences.
P.S.S.S. Anything you like but dammit, get rid of the christmas shit. yeah. like, he and we are tight? but, he’s so….yesterday. thanks bro. love you too.
(Mama’s going to **** you.)
(Mama already knows. We’re just not…chatty about that sort of thing.)
(You put your name on it.)
(That’s what we do when we are we…Kami. Piano wire? Ick.

We are gathered here together in the site of the *** to raise our hands and sing, “Haaaaaalelujaaaaaaaaaaaah”. (Thank *** that’s over with, now let’s get comfy. Did you see her hair.)

No rustling in the front rows please. Attention. Attention.

Today, we want to thank Annie for her kind words. You are the gasoline in my engine honey. Not leaded. And a four cyclinder. And you’d better car pool because if you go by yourself, people will think you don’t have any friends, and you don’t want people to think that do you? (I don’t care what people think.) Yes you do. (no I don’t). I bet you do. I bed I don’t. O*HA)WE Was that a Freudian slip? What does it mean. What does it mean. Oh *** what does it mean? (Not now honey, ***’s having a crisis). Oh. So I figure it out for myself? (Yes dear, now shhhh.)

People. People. People. Who are these people?

They’re the invisible people I talk to in my head, that’s who. Oh come on. You do it do. What will they think. How do I look. What should I wear so other people will think that I’m just like them. (oh that was a wicked spacebar hit). You are not like them. They are not like you. You are only who you are. And you have formed up in these clubs again and you’re getting to be a little bit “malicious”. Wallowing in it. Delighting in the digging in of the knife. See the twist on your opponents face as the muscle between their nostrils and chin twists down in involuntary submission. (Yes.)

We remind me of ants. I had some, a few years back (obligatory sermonette, yawn NOW). Ants that covered the side of my house. Flying ants that covered the side of my aggressively blue house, well actually it was more of a dusty, Navaho blue to be exact and I know it was Navaho blue because I liked that color and I didn’t want it to change. I like blue. But there are shades, darlin. And mine is blue-green with an impression of pink. So what, did I do with my ants, do you think? Well I got out the shop vac like any sensible person would do, and I sucked those babies up. (do you have any green in you)? My nephew does. He is four and when he closes his eyes, (you already told that story dear). Never mind. Which reminds me of Gatorade. Yeah. Right. Go, you green. Yes, I have it in me. I knew there was something cool about you. (TM dear. TM) But ***? Gatorade TM. Where were we. Ants. So I sucked them into the vacuum cleaner (and i have to go to mom’s house soon), and I left them alone. *** knows I didn’t know what else to do with them. I just, sort of, left them, in a vacuum. *** told me to say sorry. I’m sorry about the ants. I should have taken them out of the vacuum and put them into the forest and let them mulch down into dirt, but I didn’t. I forgot about them. *** didn’t. So after I dripped water on the insect, there came to me a flying ant. It landed on my right shoulder (is this after or before the catalpa tree bees?) and it kind of wandered down my chest, and I was talking to someone and I didn’t know if I should talk to them or to the ant. The ant kind of won out by default. The ant made more sense. Plus, it was making its way down my cleavage, and that’s always interesting. You never know how many fingers and ants got until you count. I’m a little focused right now. I have to go to mom’s. I have to get coffee. I have to save the world and I haven’t even had breakfast. I think I’ll leave that part up to ***. (I do it because i love you honey) Fine. There is a butt smoldering on my church plate and I know what that’s for. I know. I know. I know what Jesus (don’t use that name), buy, mom, (don’t use that name), but mom, (don’t use that name). Jesus died for our sins and rose (petals) again, and ascended into heaven (where?). He had a marvellous press agent and money has been made off the stripes of his back for the last 300 years and I am sick, of it. (GO TO YOUR ROOM).

FINJE. Just. JUst. Just. But it’s what I think mom….It’s what I think. (don’t cry dear. mommy loves you.) So that’s why I have to go see my mom. Standing on the shoulders of my friends only gets me so far. Sometimes you have to jump for the window, catch the ledge and break the glass. There may be some blood. (take you hankie dear). I just had some OJ and it is from the oasis. I think I’ll put my camels to bed. The fire is out at the church. Let’s take it to the parking lot. But I have to go see my mom first cause I know what she’s going to say. I’m going to tell her that I’m riting and she’s going to say, “That’s nice dear.” (No it’s not. Yes it is. No it’s not. Yes it is.” There is a song that goes like that and I want it in her. It may be from Figaro.

Did I say that? I sure as me didn’t mean to. Belly rolling, blood surging, cin tilted up to heaven and there is no heaven up there. There is plaster up there. Down here there is….wait for it…..drum rolll…..almost…there…JUST US.

P.P.P.P.S. Are you coming?
P.P.S. Cue the choir. No I don’t have a prayer yet. Aren’t you working on the second verse of the poem? I think that’s it.
P.S. I know what ***** wrote in the sand and then wiped out. But I can keep a secret. In the tic, tack, toe, it was an 0. And he left it there for me. Pee break. Bye.

And the two butts in the church plate are being moved to the peace plant. *** knows how to put out a fire.

The first order of business today is to forgive Kamikaze for telling me to ****** *******. Kamikaze is forgiven and we won’t speak of it again. (Sit up straight dear, don’t make a fuss). Only, we are unforgiven, (see part something of the service) so we don’t say forgive. We say sorry.

Now, dear children, let us play.

My, this is hard. Let’s pretend I’m a crazy person, shall we? Not a nice word, and not a nice label, however, let’s let that be so.

The crazy person (don’t use that word dear. it’s special.) is breathing in the smoke from the fire and drinking water to consume it. It is not an easy task, but *** picked me, because *** thinks I’m special.

*** thinks you’re special too. *** does not like (sorry. son just called. he’s into the cooking sherry and wants me to send him a check. NOT). But he loves me and I love him.

He told me to talk to the plants.

That being the case, I went to the peace plant on my window sill, and I said, give me a little help here would ja. And I kissed the plant. And then, I licked it. And we can see where this is going, so let’s just stop right there, because there are children here.

Lots of them. And they don’t even know how to read and you’re dropping your genitals and breasts in their lap. Get a grip. There are bedrooms. Use them.

And once you’ve restrained your appendages, give thought to the art of the hug. I used to be able to hug children. I can’t anymore. There are rules about that sort of thing. Someone in the Church of the Unbeliever appears to believe that hugging might lead to touching and touching might lead to life. This will cease. Don’t write it down honey. The shredder is gone.

When I went to the middle east, the men held hands loosely at the fingertips. When I went to the middle east the men leaned their foreheads against each other in greeting, just to say hello. Hello is a powerful word. It should not be used lightly. It made my mouth go dry. I had to go and get a drink of water.

Everywhere I went in the middle east, the men were sitting in a circle. And there were so many circles, that I finally got up the courage to find out what they were doing. They were playing dominoes. I was terrified. Uh huh. Yeah. Big threat. I can see it. Not. Oh boy. And the women were huddled in groups of 7 or 8 or 9, giggling at the boys, who sometimes called them bad names (it’s alright. i know you’re sore).

Reminded me of grade school. Girls on one side and boys on the other. Sorted according to sex. (we don’t say that here).

In the category of insects, sub-species something or other, there are so many different varieties (someone please tell me how many), that classifications are yet being found. (someone please tell me how many). And you think we don’t have that in humans? You think that there’s a better boy or a lesser girl, or a mannish whatever, my ***, how dare you be so (drink of water, drink of water). Sorry. *** says everyone is different, and unique in their own way. The boys club and the girls club took over, that’s all. There’s a new club in town.

We are black. It’s such a cool color. We want it. We like it. It doesn’t age at all. So we tell bad stories about it. But we wannnnt it. We tannnnn for it. We likeeeee it. It’s cool. And the cooler you are the more the other clubs try to put you down. Cuz they want it. THey need it. They gots to, gots to, gots to have it. Uh huh. And they talk so cool. (Try to look like them dear. Get the right shoes.)

And we are brown. Uh huh. Uh huh. And we are yellow, (i don’t think i see that color honey, it’s more like a good tan. red. don’t see red much these days. white. there are so many shades. and i’m wearing fuschia. i thought it was pink but there are hues. no one told me about hues. where was the memo? yes we are, and we are green with envy. (Note to self. Envy not allowed).
We are the unbelievers and the unforgiven and the unrepentant. (but I like this line and i don’t want to kill it. think of it as a riff.)

(That’s alright dear. Just comb your hair.)

We are bad dudes, and we have genitals and *** thinks they’re lovely the way they are, as long as we comb our hair. (And just let me put a little spit on the hankie dear. There’s a smudge on your nose.) Yeah. We are tough, rough, bluff, stuff, with fingernail polish on.

Long pause.

We are human.

cue pause.

We are becoming. We have blood in our veins and it is coursing to our heart and it is beating like the buffalo drum. We know what it is to be and we are one and we are free to be. (Accesories may cost more). There’s a lot of work in becoming. It needs water to put out the fire. There is the fire not to be fed. There are plants to be talked to and dishes to wash and we put them in the sink and combine our spit and our hands and our touch and we put the dishes in the rack on the counter and then we get a towel and dry them and put them away for another day.

The cursor is anting its way across my screen, pointing me in the direction of the door. Going to look now. There’s no one there. There was no one there yesterday and no one there tomorrow and there really is no one there. No one.

So why are you locking the doors? click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. don’t you feel a little foolish. (don’t say that honey. you might hurt someone’s feelings.) I’ll say it if I like. I am sick to death of hearing the click of locks on cars and doors where no one’s home.

Just your mother. Do you hear me. Your mother who needs you to call, and see if you’re alright, and check to make sure you’re eating and stuff. It’s what a mother’s do. And what are you doing for her, I ask you. What are you doing for her. SMACK. Get on up to your room.

Burning hot. Liking it. Rollin with it. Take me home and the choir sings, click, click, click, click.

Open the doors.

(My that was a good service wasn’t it. Reminded me of some I’ve been at in days gone by. You be sure to come over for supper soon now, y’hear. Give my best to Aunt Charlotte. Such a dear, such a dear.)

P.S. Loved the donkey. Reminded me of the Indians (feathers) who hold their mates up to the ???
P.S.S. Doxology, Red Box. (change men to person).
P.S.S. Show off.

Anyway, *** says that *** doesn’t care what you look like and that mom made you ******** who you are. *** loves you. *** loves you a lot. And *** wants you to comb your hair. Don’t ask me why. But I could have twisted that in with my mom, who always wants me to comb my hair.

I introduced *** to my mate because I was a little worried about him. But mom pulled the pop tab and showed me that underneath the silver metal the can teemed with life. Which reminded me of the Pepsi logo which is old, but the new logo which is - better. But I personally like Coke, with all the sugar.

In the Church of the Unbeliever, there will be no husbands and wives. There will be mates. (It’s very British). And there will be suggestions, and comments and discussions and probably the occasional hissy fit, but there will be only one law.

Love one another.

You don’t have to write that down. It’s your memory work for ever.

P.S. My sister has told me that love is an action, so get with it people.
P.P.S. Is my anniversary present on its way?
P.P.P.S. Like, whatever. Where’s my 0?